Premium b/vlogging

I’ve been wanting to upgrade to the premium version of WordPress for a while now. I’ve been hesitating because I’m about to start taking more web design courses so I was going to wait and see if I wanted to use Dreamweaver and host my own blog instead or do the premium and keep it with WordPress. I was also concerned that this blog was going to turn out like my other ones and end up getting abandoned after a short time. But so far I’ve been keeping strong on it, and it’s been enjoyable. It hasn’t felt like a chore.

I was reading up on upgrading again because I’m getting really irritated with the limitations they put on the design aspects of your blog. Like you can even change the font color? What the fuck. I decided I’m leaning more towards using WordPress because of the main structural components already being taken care of. While I will be learning more about web design, I do want to keep this blog as my hobby, as a fun outlet for my thoughts and emotions, for however long I can keep it. And in order to keep enjoying writing and expressing my creativity, I want to have full reign over my material.

I’m hoping to order it soon but something’s holding me back still. It’s a lot of money I suppose, for a broke college kid. But I want the features associated with it. The customization features are the main selling point for me, but I also want the ability to upload mp3 files. Music is extremely important to me in conveying my thoughts and feelings, and I’d rather be able to post them and lyrics without having to use a middle service like YouTube. Not only that, but I have been tinkering with a sort of vlogging. I keep my blog anonymous, but often times I’m too tired, anxious, or mostly scatterbrained to write. I’ve started making little video clips on my phone to watch when I’m sad or something (like I used to with Ryan), and it gave me an idea to make sort of anono-vlog clips on occasion. Basically vlogging in a dark room, or I thought maybe it would be cool to wear a mask each time, or make up or something. I don’t know, something weird and fucked up. Because I’m weird and fucked up. So it seems appropriate. Honestly if I could vlog in a ninja turtle mask I would probably just do that all the time, lol! Plus I get the added benefit of playing with my new video editing software. I downloaded it to make lyric videos to upload on here, which you also need the premium account to do, but they’ve proven far more annoying to make than I’d expected.

I honestly doubt it would be something that would be anytime soon, or very often if I did do it, but it would be nice to have more different ways to express myself I guess. I’m definitely not a video person, in fact I think seeing myself on a video is probably the worst thing ever. But once again, that is the beauty of a little anonymity. I get to explore my creativity.

Premium… $100 for a year is really not very much for a hobby this vast and diverse, but a chunk of change no less. Idk. Le sigh.

–> PB

The highway may not care but you sure as shit didn’t either

Oh, you fucking son-of-a-bitch.

I have a stalker problem. Seriously. I’m Facebook stalking Ryan’s page looking for anything new posted on Public view. Ryan used to post EVERYTHING on Public. It was all links to “alternative” (read: conspiracy theorist) news websites, which Ryan would say, “The world has a right to know!” Oh please, right? Anyways, since he unfriended me a while back, nothing he posts is Public anymore. In fact, aside from his one profile picture swap, he’s not had any new posts or anything since then…. until now.

I checked just a few minutes ago and see this:

If you didn’t read my post regarding Ryan and I with this song, it’s here: Highway don’t care. 

I was of course sad to see this but it didn’t evoke nearly the emotion as when I actually watched the linked video. See, I don’t watch music videos. They have a tendacy to “taint” songs for me. When I hear a song, when I feel a song, it brings imagery to mind which attaches to the song and emotion. It makes music very personal to me. When I link videos of songs, it’s only because it’s the only way I can (currently) share a music file, plus it has the added benefit of displaying the lyrics in real-time if someone were to actually watch the video. I don’t know if Ryan’s sole meaning was just the song lyrics, or the music video as well, but it was really moving… and personal.

I’ve lived the experience shown, less the crash. I’ve been lucky enough to not crashing my car when I’m driving high, distraught, crying, blurry, tired, in the rain, fog, slick, wet, dark, windy, twisty roads… I’ve come scary close to watching myself swerve off to one side or into oncoming traffic.

I’ve often wondered when driving if I crashed, would anyone wonder why, or would they just assume I was high? Would anyone ever notice that my phone music player was right in the middle of a country song? Would anyone care that Tim McGraw was pulling at my heart while Rascal Flatts poured memories of him into my eyes? Would anyone figure out the reason I crashed was because all I could see was him?

I keep wondering what he’s doing.
     Is he thinking about me at all?
          Does he wonder what I’m doing?
               Does he ever wonder if I’m thinking about him?

It doesn’t matter… I need let go of him. God, I’m so tired of being sad.

–> PB

“You’re just stuck on repeat”

–> PB

“Let my heart rest in pieces…”

 

–> PB

Boy, that didn’t last long…

I have to admit, even I gave him more credit than this.

I knew I’d hear from him again. It was only a matter of time. Probably when he’s drunk. But really? It’s only been a couple days. I figured at least a week… I barely got done finishing my blog post detailing the last bit when I got this.

I’m planning on changing my number… I am. I should do that. Like now…

…but then I won’t get his messages…. sigh. Why always that tiny, tiny piece of me holding back?

–> PB

“All I do is win win win no matter what!”

Finished my last final exam just over an hour ago. And for once, all my teachers were able to give me not only my final exam scores, but my final grades before they are even released next week!

So, final grades for this term are 2 A’s and a B! Not too bad considering I almost dropped out mid-term, eh?!

I’m quite pleased. I not only miraculous miraculously passed this term in all my classes, but I didn’t terribly tarnish my GPA in the process. My school is one of the most important things in my life, and now it’s the one thing that I want to really dedicate myself to. I went through some serious anxiety attacks when I thought about dropping out and the impact that it would do to my college transcript. That’s something that can’t be undone.

If my calculations are right, this will bring my cumulative GPA for my 82 credits earned at 3.72/4.0.

Obviously not as good as straight A’s, but its still an increase from last term despite the B. I believe it was 3.70 or 3.71 before.

SO YAY! And double yay for this term being finally over oh my god thank you!!

–> PB

Awesome lyrics

Sometimes before it gets better,
The darkness gets bigger,
The person that you’d take a bullet for, is behind the trigger,
Oh, we’re fading fast,
I’ll miss missing you, now and then.

Miss Missing You – Fall Out Boy

–> PB

All you had to do was stay…

Every single lyric is true.
Playing on repeat when all I want to do is sing it on repeat to him…
Why the fuck couldn’t you just stay?
Why did you give up on me?
Why couldn’t you love me enough?
Why wasn’t I enough?

———————————–

People like you always want back
the love they gave away,
And people like me wanna believe you
when you say you’ve changed,
The more I think about it now
The less I know
All I know is that you drove us off the road

Stay
Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Man, why’d you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
back, now that it’s just too late
Well could’ve been easy, all you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay

Here you are now
Calling me up
But I don’t know what to say
I’ve been picking up the pieces
of the mess you made
People like you always want back
the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever
When you say goodbye

Stay
Hey, all you had to do was stay
Had me in the palm of your hand
Man, why’d you have to go and lock me out when I let you in
Stay, hey, now you say you want it
back, now that it’s just too late
Well could’ve been easy, all you had to do was stay
All you had to do was stay

Let me remind you
this was what you wanted
You ended it
You were all I wanted
But not like this
Not like this
Not like this
Oh, all you had to do was stay

———————————–

God I miss you so much right now… I wish I could come crawl into your arms right now and feel the way I used to. It was once the safest place in the world to be.
I’d give anything to make it feel like it used to between us.

I’m going to try really hard not to text him tonight…
No I’m not. I’m going to try for about 5 minutes before giving up and doing it anyways.
Sigh… The internal war within me has never been more brutal. And my stomach is definitely taking the brunt of the collateral as my new favorite cutting area to pay for my weakness.

–> PB

Highway don’t care

When I was at Ryan’s last night, he had just put a pizza in oven when I turned on some of my music. He didn’t have any speakers for his computer so we couldn’t turn anything on as background noise, and I don’t like the quiet. Especially when I’m in a place I know I shouldn’t be doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing with a person I shouldn’t be with.

I decided it would be fun since we were already aware that we should not be together at that moment to allow some of my “sad” songs to play during my play list rotation. Most of these songs are songs that Ryan and I listened to together or described our lives.

We jabbered on during each song, reminiscing about how it reminded us of specific times together, pausing every so often to reflect solemnly for a moment. During this chit-chat, Ryan mentioned the song “Highway Don’t Care” by Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift. I was surprised that I didn’t already have it on my playlist. Although it was not something we listened to together, it perfectly described our break up. I remembered the song and let it play through my head before allowing it to consume me.

Before Ryan even knew what I was doing, I had my phone pulled out and the song beginning to play. I honestly don’t even know what came over me or what I was doing. I just did what I felt was what I wanted to do right in that very moment. I guess you could say I was impulsive. I grabbed Ryan and got really close to him before burying my face in his neck. I snaked my arms around the back of his neck and wrapped his tightly around my waist. My body moved in its natural way which caused us to sway back and forth. It was almost like a slow dance except that we weren’t spinning, just swaying. I squeezed him as tight as I possibly could. The lyrics to the song whirled around us and caused it to rain. It felt only moments before we were both holding each other so tightly just to stay standing. We were collapsing into each other’s pain and sadness, being the only two people that could possibly understand what the other is going through. And at that moment, I didn’t fucking care who saw and judged, or how wrong it was, or how much I shouldn’t be doing it. I don’t care that it was emotionally painful this morning, or that I know I’m better off without him around. And I honestly don’t even care if it wasn’t real to him… It was for me. It’s a moment that I cherish.

As the song rolled around to an end, I pulled back from his grip and looked into his eyes. They were wide and red, puffy from the force of tears pushing through. He had the greatest look of sadness that I have so far only seen Ryan pull off so perfectly. One makes my body melt and my walls crumble. One that makes me want to hold him until the end of time.

I pressed my forehead against his. We were a fucking mess. We are a fucking mess. And I never really know what I’m doing. It’s a constant process of play it by ear. But the way I’m playing, its really breaking some hearts…
Mainly mine.

–> PB

Can you feel the love tonight…

Dude I’m about to start crying b/c of Lion King.

This is my life. Crying to Lion King. Sigh.