When I was at Ryan’s last night, he had just put a pizza in oven when I turned on some of my music. He didn’t have any speakers for his computer so we couldn’t turn anything on as background noise, and I don’t like the quiet. Especially when I’m in a place I know I shouldn’t be doing things I know I shouldn’t be doing with a person I shouldn’t be with.
I decided it would be fun since we were already aware that we should not be together at that moment to allow some of my “sad” songs to play during my play list rotation. Most of these songs are songs that Ryan and I listened to together or described our lives.
We jabbered on during each song, reminiscing about how it reminded us of specific times together, pausing every so often to reflect solemnly for a moment. During this chit-chat, Ryan mentioned the song “Highway Don’t Care” by Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift. I was surprised that I didn’t already have it on my playlist. Although it was not something we listened to together, it perfectly described our break up. I remembered the song and let it play through my head before allowing it to consume me.
Before Ryan even knew what I was doing, I had my phone pulled out and the song beginning to play. I honestly don’t even know what came over me or what I was doing. I just did what I felt was what I wanted to do right in that very moment. I guess you could say I was impulsive. I grabbed Ryan and got really close to him before burying my face in his neck. I snaked my arms around the back of his neck and wrapped his tightly around my waist. My body moved in its natural way which caused us to sway back and forth. It was almost like a slow dance except that we weren’t spinning, just swaying. I squeezed him as tight as I possibly could. The lyrics to the song whirled around us and caused it to rain. It felt only moments before we were both holding each other so tightly just to stay standing. We were collapsing into each other’s pain and sadness, being the only two people that could possibly understand what the other is going through. And at that moment, I didn’t fucking care who saw and judged, or how wrong it was, or how much I shouldn’t be doing it. I don’t care that it was emotionally painful this morning, or that I know I’m better off without him around. And I honestly don’t even care if it wasn’t real to him… It was for me. It’s a moment that I cherish.
As the song rolled around to an end, I pulled back from his grip and looked into his eyes. They were wide and red, puffy from the force of tears pushing through. He had the greatest look of sadness that I have so far only seen Ryan pull off so perfectly. One makes my body melt and my walls crumble. One that makes me want to hold him until the end of time.
I pressed my forehead against his. We were a fucking mess. We are a fucking mess. And I never really know what I’m doing. It’s a constant process of play it by ear. But the way I’m playing, its really breaking some hearts…
Mainly mine.
–> PB
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